The Nightmare's Beginning

Sunday, November 25, 2007

so after all these years

To be weak is miserable,
Doing or suffering.

lines 157-158

- Paradise Lost

posted at [3:04 AM]

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Saturday, November 24, 2007

Fate

Hypothetically, if the only choice you've got is to do the wrong thing, then it's not really the wrong thing, It's more like fate.
- Vlad (Max Payne, 2004).

It's better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven.
- Paradise Lost (Milton, 1667)

Destiny, an inevitable course of events
- Wikipedia

everything which is governed by fate happens by necessity
- Lipsius, J. (1574)

To my memories of my lost 15 friends, either by ditch, by leave, or death, my blessing goes with you all. fate decided our friendship.

posted at [3:11 AM]

im back

i got a lot of things to update here, but according to a close friend, no 1 is interested in your daily life. no point crapping about your normal daily life, people find that boring...

many thoughts came in and out of my brain recently. after the hectic exam, i been meeting up old and current friends; been more lifely in msn; trying to organize things to make my mind more occupied. hence the hectic holiday season instead of sleep.

but sadly the thoughts still fly through. after 8 days of programs, i ran out of idea. i decided to chill at home and have a nice sleep. i did it. 15 hours of sleep.

the thoughts still linger.

my ghost is occupying me now. to quote from max payne: "I knew the appetites of ghosts intimately. They hungered for revenge." i hungered for revenge. i wanted to kill him. i wanted him to die. its been 6 years and the thought still haunts me. sins never wash away cleanly, they are worse day by day.

i know friends that keep calling me to laugh and smile during photo sessions. showing of my colgate teeth. but, max once said, and i agree.. "I would have laughed, if I could have remembered how."

the suffer of a sinner. the pain i have to bear alone. for the rest of my life. i always hope that God will take me out of this world asap, and i wanted to be a good testimony for him. and when i leave, i will leave peacefully.

but time is not decided by me.

Mine wasn't the most original approach to the problem: An eye for an eye, the oldest principle of revenge. Old as dirt, but still going strong.

but i was forbid to do that. the Bible forbid me to do that. so revenge is way out. what's next?

I didn't deserve to walk away. There are no happy endings.

Everything had started out as black and white. Somewhere down the road, the line went blurry, the colors started to run, got smudged and gray.

There was a blindspot in my head, a bullet-shaped hole where the answers should be. Call it denial. I wanted to dig inside my skull and scrape out the pain.

If you think nothing can get to you, you're lying to yourself. At best you're temporarily dead. A lightning bolt could re-animate you without a warning.

if you ask me now, to revenge or to suicide, i choose the latter.

again, i was forbidden to do that.

There are no choices. Nothing but a straight line. The illusion comes afterwards, when you ask "Why me?" and "What if?". When you look back and see the branches, like a pruned bonsai tree, or forked lightning. If you had done something differently, it wouldn't be you, it would be someone else looking back, asking a different set of questions.

that's all for my update.

posted at [2:58 AM]

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